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呼吁—有感于contracts的《不是风花雪月的爱情故事》
农村出来的孩子，有时是书念的好，可是没有条件培养审美观。再说审美也是以城里人的观点为标准。爱上一个人却不知如何将自己包装推销，更不明白如何与他人沟通自己的情感思维，令人寒心的是周遭都市讥笑蔑视的眼光。如此不变疯也怪。这俩孩子的命运真是可怜， 却佩服他们敢于爱上才华优秀出类拔萃的男生， 花了我在那个年纪，只敢等人家来向我表白，或者自己做做白日梦。 我希望城市里生长的孩子学会理解接受农村出来的孩子。 我呼吁交友网上的有识之士，一起来推动中国各大院校设立心理咨询部门，给与学生免费的倾诉和指导服务。
另外，我也呼吁大家推动中小学生的生理心理教育课程。中学生要面对好多问题：有着身体发育，激素分泌旺盛，爱情懵懂，高考压力，自我疑惑。希望大家一起来担起对社会的一分责任。 |
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自我冲突-探讨桃夭夭和朗月的观点 桃妹妹在<移民对传统文化传承之我见>一文中将一些事理分析的极好。再想起朗月妹妹给我日记留言是所说的道理， 觉得还是你俩冰雪聪明，要是我刚刚来美国时就能够明白这些，便可以免受这九年的挫折。至今我仍然有着职业上的困惑，内心和行为上的冲突。料想谁能在生活中贯通实施两位妹妹所提到的机理，我会非常乐意在他/她周围，不离不弃一定要学到人家的非凡的悟性以及毅力。 我看中美的两种不同的生活哲学，走的是相反的道路。 中国传统概念推崇忍让谦和，个人的牺牲主义。为了团队的利益我们可以牺牲自己的时间，劳动力，金钱，甚至快乐。 美国的社会主张是：一个人能够自私自利，照顾好自己的利益，也就顾全了社会的利益，因为你不再需要大众所缴纳的税金来养活， 不需要家人朋友同事上司来为你操心。 作为一个中国长大的移民，浸润了温良共谦让，面对国外相反的行为标准，相反的是非标准，不光先要学会掌握生存技能和资源，比如博士硕士学位，会计师，金融分析师， 护士证书，物理化学研究基金等等，这已经是一场5-10年夜夜挑灯到天明的浴疲，浴压，欲穷奋战。接下来还要面对和美国土生土长的人进行职场竞争。在美国的金融界，中国美德温良共谦让会被当成软弱自卑， 不具挑战能力。然后就要给雇主turnover了。其他行业或许会好一些。一旦我们的谦和忍让同志也像美国金融界的某些同事一样，做一个黑寡妇蜘蛛，与人交好是为了吃掉人家，以便自己茁壮成长。一个无法逃避的问题是:“我到底自己是谁？” 一个人做不了自己想做的人，是一种痛苦的经历。 |
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本来不愿提自己的香艳史-回复一松的黑帮大佬故事，也希望铁树乐观开朗 此篇是因Greenlandwav姐姐之约而写
多年前有人问我：“要是你撞到你的恋人同另一女人在幽会，你会怎么做？”我的回答当然是“伤心，愤怒， 扇女的一巴掌”。可是那家伙说：“可能你还不能明白这一点，其实你没权力这样做。如果我回家看到我老婆在同她的情人做爱，我就会叫他们别慌慢慢来，然后退出去，搬张凳子坐在门口为他们把风。”我当时看看他，心想这个人不是不爱他老婆，就是神经搭错了。可是他一口咬定说正因为他深爱的老婆， 才会这么做。 有时候我们的爱是枷锁，会令被“爱”的人感到窒息。曾经被一个才华很高又细心体贴的小伙子爱到痛下决心恨不得马上逃去国外。一松这个故事中的女子给前夫“爱”到想杀她的地步，这就更糟糕了。 私有欲在作怪，是面子有问题， 都怪千年来封建大男子主义的霸占欲。一个大活人不准有她的思想，不准她在爱情，生活方式上作自由选择，她只可以是丈夫或者恋人的私用物品。会行动的，可以让男人泄欲的，宠着的，做伴的工具。在这些功用上，娶一只母猩猩做老婆还更适合,  只是要用手语来交流了。可以找交友网上的知心姐姐妹妹说说话。 一旦女人这个私有物品另谋新夫，我大男人就想杀她也杀她的新欢,  抢新欢的钱财，赌 (与新欢斗富)，嫖(侮辱其他女人), 再不就做祥林哥，自我怜悯，自我折磨。这个大丈夫忘了他的最终目的是唤回那个小女人儿的情爱呐，就算你侮辱其他女人也罢，杀了前爱新欢也罢，揍扁他们也罢，自我折磨也罢，全都达不到这换回感情的目标呀。 爱是一种互动，加点人性佐料，你不愿Love me我就开路马嚓，相互成全才成双赢游戏。我以为爱情的双方谈不上赢输，不是说人家不爱你了你就没面子了，就比伊拉克货币还贬值了。你一世人生的目的不仅仅是去取悦爱人的，也要去取悦一下自己。奇怪的是有好多人一但恋人不爱自己了，自己也就更不爱自己了。 没有安全感的人，宁可让自己深“爱”的人神经错乱，死掉，也不愿意祝福所爱之人离去时一路走好。 你也许渴望鼓励，也许渴望母爱父爱，希望受到社会大众的认可，一个人在这些方面的真空太大了，哪是一个小恋人的忠诚所填补得了的呢？自信往往来源于自我接受，尽管在父母眼里你都不被接受，因为父母常常对他们自己都太失望了，或者他们的领悟底线只懂得拿一厢子欲望和感情来丈量儿女和事理。不管你有无学术论文，有无巨额金钱，有无令人羡慕的职业，你都一样可以学会先自我接受。 我到了这个年龄才明白当初那个脑筋搭错人。我对老公说过：“你要是爱上其他女郎，不用内疚，也无需借口老妻不性感 。回来跟我说明白了，我也许不舍也许会哭. (但不会搬张凳子看人家翻云覆雨,Too hot ). 可是我会乖乖坐下来和你研究一个分家计划，让我们的美小人往来爸妈两家方便一些.  So loog!” |
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苦菜花把布尔乔亚装入“无产崇高”的模子压迫--为在水一方说几句
站在海外女士的位置，我要为在水一方说几句。 我认为她的《大话》一文虽然是一棍子打倒一批，其实她也是在表达她的洁身自爱，不予男生随便，这不是中国传统概念里一个好女孩的标志吗？ 看了其他好多人对在水一方的pk, 觉得做女生真不易。 假如你爱上一个男人的速度快了一些就让男人骂你女生贱；不让随便碰又要受打击。
在国内时听过多次男人对女人的嘲讽：“那女的才认识某某几个月就已经跟人上床了。”男女两方同样追求做爱的愉悦，怎么就没人讥讽男方是下贱：“那男的才认识我女同学不久就被那女的搞上床了。”我想好多人虽然受到高等教育，却只有极少数的中国男人懂得女人在性方面的对等权利。
找对象各人心中有一杆秤，在水一方如果觉得拉她的手要符合条件，这是一句好多人都不敢公开说的大实话。有人希望找受过教育的事业有建树的“布尔乔亚”；有人愿意像《浮生六记》里头的芸一样不在乎条件，做爱情的“苦菜花”（芸夫妇没钱吃饭最后弃小孩于不顾），两种不同的观念，各找各爱各回各家。
都怪毛泽东同志几十年的遵遵教诲。虽然后来邓小平同志教导大家先富起来，可无产苦菜花们“追求金钱是可耻的”阶级观念已经根深蒂固。共产主义钢铁穷人要和美丽情调的冬妮娅划清界限，“苦菜花”们公开表明自己符合崇高的无产阶级理想，有骨气有资格来训斥向往小资的人， 其实暗地里苦菜花更盼望发达的一天。 苦菜花硬把布尔乔亚装到“无产崇高”模子里头锻压，人家的理想不符合自己的“穷高标准”就把人家给挖苦PK一通。 我劝你苦菜花们还不如先解决自个儿的开火做饭钱， 等吃饱了滋润了也好钓个金龟婿或者金龟妇，不然就只能把自己连成一块钢铁。 |
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回复payinghua <塞牙绝不怨凉水，点儿背也不怨社会！> 你写得好爽快！好实在！ 赞一个。 我对全体中国人博爱，可是我不懂怎做才算爱国。只知道爱国和爱党不等于是同一回事，无党派人士也会特别爱国；我们只说大众平民的爱情，有政治间谍动机的不包括在内。小百姓不管稼娶内， 还是嫁娶外， 她/他也许恨国，也许爱国。 内稼娶之路坎坷，外稼娶之路也崎岖。 任何一种婚姻，就算夫妇的价值观世界观志趣相辅，也要有地理环境，经济环境保障，和岳家婆家的祝福。就算鸳鸯不会分居两国，亲家相安，还有钱一同吃喝玩乐，也要看会不会受到未来的婚外诱惑。就算双方忠情如钢，也要看你夫妇会不会永保健康。一旦夫妻哪一方病成了秧子，或者翘了辫子， 不管嫁娶老中还是嫁娶老外的都是个艰难婚姻。 另外就是机遇，如果你就是没遇到天时地利，你想稼老中同志也没辙（看看此交友站里头多少美丽动人的才女还没机会稼到如意老中同志）。如果你遇到和老外的缘分，为坚守中国传统就不稼吗？我有一个朋友来美后偶然重逢十多年前在西藏遇到的一位犹太人，然后结了婚。她在中文学校开会时有中国男同事明知她是席中唯一外稼的，还顾左右而言：“你们说为什么这个中国女人都稼了老外不稼我们中国人呢？”我的朋友回来跟我说这件事的时候还在生气。我说：“我会对他说'我俩恨不相逢未嫁时呀，单身时候天不时地不利的，不然嫁到你这样的中国人兴许更好。'”。 所以说叫老中女同志“汝不可稼娶老外”，难道她们应该孤零零抱着传统文化当枕头睡呀。 总之，婚姻之好坏因素太多。仅仅冠以“稼内好，稼外孬”，“稼内孬，稼外好”，“稼老外犯了老祖宗的文化传统”，“稼老外是在人家那里生根开花，是爱国。”我认为这些都是不着边际。我本人就是萝卜青菜老外老内都可爱，叫我花痴好了（给交友大家一个掷我砖头的机会），只要双方喜欢又能合得来， 任他是老中还还老外。稼了老外我更爱同胞和坚守传统精华，稼了老中也爱学习老外文化精髓。 人说婚姻如穿鞋，外人凭自己判断可以说说人家的“鞋子/婚姻" 外表看起来漂亮不漂亮，但是叫人：“汝不可稼娶老外。”好比是在说：“你不可穿你的鞋子，它穿在你的脚上真挤我的脚。” |
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答Greenlandwav<关于“爱国”“外国籍”“嫁外国人”的讨论> >1． 同意你所提到的不搞民族狭隘主义，不过将“嫁给外籍人”上纲上线到了政治战略却是不象。 2． 不同意你将“嫁给外籍人”等同“与当地社会融合，在当地人中生根开花”。 任何外国人的融合都是多层面的，不是身体血液的交融才是融合。而且我不希求所谓的“融 ”就会真的“合”。 3． 其实嫁娶外籍人的中国人选择疏远本族中国人的很多。其间有观念和生活习惯不和的原因，这是后话。 4． 总在思考这个爱国问题，嫁娶外籍人怎能说是爱国？个人可以代表中国吗？爱国=爱中国共产党吗？如果中国也是多党制，那爱国者岂不是今日爱共产党，明日爱三九党。 5． 我坚决提倡尊重一个人的选择，不管他/她是选对还是错，是功利主义还是崇高爱情，嫁娶本族还是外籍，那时他/她的权利。也就是桃夭夭说的自由呼吸你的新鲜空气。 6． 我认为每当一个团体中有人退出，旋即加入他人团体时，都会给本团体造成一些震动。这时本族人就要站出来说“其他团体不好”，“嫁娶外籍的违背祖宗。” Audiophile 这样撰文强调了本团体/民族的重要性，凝聚力。 |
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悲剧，是自身认知局限的替罪羊- 铁树，不要妄言jiaoyou8 的大侠和美女没爱过不知痛， 人人都会有刻骨铭心的遗憾，或早或迟 所以才懂得来这里关心 每一封规劝都是他们的心裂，他们的思考，火凤凰般的重生 所以，字字玑珠 希望你字斟句酌， 品味他人的智慧 不要反驳。。。。。。 不要反感。。。。。。
勇，是相对的 比如美军派遣部队帮助攻打北越共产党 美军战士认为自己爱国而英勇战死 其实他们只是美国历史上的一段耻辱 是政客夺了他们的命 还要在他们的尸体上搭上耻辱标记 你，铁树 你目前认知上的局限剥夺了你的内存精华 正如当年我的“政客”指示我去买了块美丽的大石头 欲将自己沉入湖底 信亏园林管理处的经理 不问我的故事 只派一个大学毕业的清纯女孩请我吃饭 我才得以保留这块石头 现在赠与给你 希望你不要反格斗。。。。。 因为我和你之间不需要胜负 请你要保留这块石头 等你的风暴过后再投给另一个失恋的人
对曾经的她和她的未婚夫 请你不要反唇相讥。。。。。。 如果俩人化学吸引褪去 还有一份相敬如宾 如果分手要靠恶化旧情人 可能是她的无奈 （在心理学上有一个专门名词） 你男子汉要给她一个台阶下 才得以保留自己的尊严
还有一份 你对女性的尊重 你对一条命的尊重 你对自己的，对她的尊重 尊重她的选择， 或错或对都是她的权利 不是以爱的名义，你就可以剥夺他人的权利 也不是凭着为她好的动机，你就可以干扰他人的生活 理解她，和多数人一样，她不过是想今后的日子好过一点
铁树，听从你自己内心的正义，善良，体贴，尊严。。。。
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Why Older Chicks Rule女人四十，一统江湖 by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes".
“60分钟时事”名嘴妙言40岁以上的女人
This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's..and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!
Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. “40+的女人是有尊严的，一般不屑跟你在歌剧院或者高档餐馆里大声争吵。当然了，一旦遇到犯贱的男人，而且又确知能够逃避惩罚的话，她们会干脆利落把你给一枪毙了。”（Seacoast想起电影《芝加哥》里的女人）
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know. A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is
far sexier than her younger counter part.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if
you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
“要是能白白得到牛奶，我何必去把整头母牛给买回家！”我要给持如此论调的男人一个最新参考，那就是80%的女人都反对结婚成家。她们认为：“我只要那条香肠，犯不着把那整头猪给买回来。” |
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By Kurt Takamine, Ed.D., Chapman University
IMDiversity.com In a study conducted in 1992, two social scientists (Duleep & Sanders) made the following observation:
Highly educated men in all Asian groups earn less than comparable whites when occupation and industry are taken into account. Conceivably, extensive formal schooling and particular fields of study enable American-born Asian men to enter high-paying occupations and industries, but within these occupations and industries, Asian men may be underrepresented in higher-paying positions because of discrimination. [Italics mine] These scientists said, out loud, what other observers were only whispering at the time: that the glass ceiling was as real for Asian Pacific Americans (APAs) as it was for women, other minorities, and other disenfranchised groups. But that was over ten years ago. How does the APA scorecard look today?
Unfortunately, the current situation does not look much better. Dr. Clifford Cheng (1997) studied the Fortune 500, and found that only 0.3% of senior level executives were of APA descent. This number is particularly disturbing when one considers that 8.9% of the scientific and engineering labor force was APA (Tang, 1997). What accounts for the disparity between the APA labor statistics and the dearth of APA executive representation in corporate America?
In a more recent study, one researcher found that 87.1% of APAs personally witnessed the use of the "Old Boys' Network" in their workplace (Takamine, 2000). In that same study, 78.6% of APAs reported that they worked for companies with executive teams composed entirely of white males or a combination of white males and white females. So, is the problem with discrimination, or is the problem with APAs not positioning themselves for career advancement opportunities?
The answer is probably "Yes" to both of those questions. One action research study recently noted that three out of four APAs interviewed felt that their company did not actively promote and develop APAs as executives (Takamine, 2000). What can be done to rectify this situation?
If this problem is to be properly addressed, all stakeholders have work to do. There needs to be a three-pronged attack to alleviate this APA under-representation in the executive ranks. The first prong is that Asian Pacific Americans (APAs) must first understand how to properly position themselves for executive advancement in their companies. The second prong relates to alleviating misperceptions that European American executives hold regarding APAs in the workforce, including the elimination of any cultural barriers that preclude career advancement. And the third prong raises the question as to the role of government [i.e., the Department of Labor and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC)] in alleviating the disparity between APAs and executive positions. Let's examine each one of these concerns.
Prong Number One: Position Ourselves for Career Advancement
APAs are often under the mistaken notion that hard work and technical excellence alone will get them noticed by upper management. This is simply not true. Technical competence is assumed at the middle management level. So the difference between those who are seen as strong executive candidates and those who are "not ready for prime time" can be related to what we can call "Emotional Intelligence".
Emotional Intelligence (Cherniss & Goleman, 2001) looks at the interpersonal skills that are mandatory for executive performance (such as organizational awareness, development of colleagues, visionary leadership, and strong communication skills) and intrapersonal skills (for example, self-confidence, emotional self-control, adaptability, and risk-taking). These are people skills that many APAs need to hone.
This is confirmed by the U.S. Department of Labor Glass Ceiling Commission (Wernick, 1994), which found that women and minorities (including APAs) must:
Learn to communicate in a compelling manner. Communication, whether through verbal or written modes, is vital for a leader. APAs need to find their voice in communicating their ideas, passions, and visions to others. Understand the value of networking. Networking, or Social Capital, is essential for climbing the corporate ladder. One VP at Capital One described how poster boards are displayed in a meeting with executive candidates' photos glued onto them. The CEO then will go to each display and ask, "How many of you know this candidate?" If no one raises a hand, that candidate is summarily dismissed. One question is, how many executives know you? Another might be, how many company social events are you involved in? Company parties are a great place to interface with otherwise inaccessible executives. Seek out mentors and sponsors. The Old Boys' Network exists because young white males have traditionally understood that they need a champion to provide them with inside information and to act as an advocate for their career promotion. APAs tend to feel that they don't need anyone's help, or can't ask for it. They couldn't be more wrong. Pursue broad and varied training. You're highly accomplished in your engineering sector? Great! But you also need some experience in marketing, design, finance, perhaps even human resources. If you can't get transferred laterally, at least make connections with others in these key areas, and volunteer to work on multi-disciplinary teams. Educate others about the culture. White males might think that APAs don't have the requisite leadership qualities because they don't challenge their supervisors. This reticence to challenge a supervisor might be a cultural value (called High Power Distance, as studied by Hofstede, 1991). In some Asian circles, publicly challenging a superior is considered taboo. The European American male needs to understand that there is value in exploring other leadership constructs.
Now that we have explored a few self-development tasks APAs must consider, let's examine some areas where the (usually) European American executive also has a little work to do.
Prong Number Two: Addressing the Misperceptions of European American Executives
In prong number one, we examined the problems from the APA vantage point. In prong number two, the executive misperceptions need to be addressed. For example:
Many European American executives believe that APAs are deficient in necessary communication skills. There may be some truth to this. Some recent immigrants or first generation employees, for example, may themselves feel that their vocabulary is not proficient enough for executive communication. Two researchers (Blank & Slip, 1994) found that non-Asians would become impatient with some APAs in conversation and finish their sentences for them. However, APAs are not a monolithic group. You can't compare a first-generation immigrant from Vietnam with a fifth-generation Chinese American who grew up solely in America. Many European American executives assume that APA candidates are "in the pipeline," so it's only a matter of time before more APAs appear in executive ranks. This is simply not the case. Such a passive approach to executive development is little more than "wishful thinking". Mentors and sponsors must advocate for APA candidates, and mitigate the paucity of APA executives in the Fortune 1000. APA managers are not aggressive enough and ignore the power "game." For some APAs, this is a truism. There are others, however, who desire to learn about the power dynamics in their institution, but find that information is surreptitiously hidden from this ethnic group. European American executives need to take the initiative in revealing the corporate protocol to the uninitiated. APAs do not have adequate social networks, and are antisocial. Are APAs antisocial, or do APAs socialize with the "wrong" crowds? Ibarra (1995) found that minorities at first tended to aggregate with the dominant culture (usually European Americans). In the second phase, minorities would exclude the European American workers, and attach themselves to their own (or similar) ethnic groups. In the third and final phase, the minority employee would avail him- or herself of both the European American and minority groups, and find a balance with all groups. So European Americans may feel that APAs are anti-social if they observe APAs during the second phase of social interactions.
For an employer, as for the APA professional, education is in order. Learning about Asian Pacific American cultures and values can be helpful in demolishing some stereotypes and positioning APAs for productive career advancement steps to the benefits of the employee and the organization. From both perspectives, the last prong is perhaps the most controversial and least savory of the alternatives for rectifying this situation. This is the government involvement or litigation prong. Prong Number Three: The Role of Government in APA Career Advancement
Is governmental pressure needed to force your company to promote APA middle managers into executive positions? This question was asked of middle managers in a recent study, and the results were evenly split (Takamine, 2000). One third of the respondents answered in the affirmative, 29% opposed any government involvement, and 38% were uncertain. As any Human Resources Director will tell you, however, governmental pressure as related to federal contracts is highly effective. When the government tells a company it must abide by federal regulations that company will comply. If the government restricted its business dealings with those companies that demonstrate an equitable distribution of APA executives in its ranks, the effect would be enormous.
What about litigation? More APAs are beginning to bring their cases to the EEOC and to labor law attorneys. As legal pressure begins to mount, more corporations will begin to examine their policies and procedures as they relate to the Asian Pacific American plight.
Conclusion
This three-pronged attack must be conducted simultaneously to experience its full synergistic effect. APAs must take responsibility for their situation, and utilize resources at their disposal (legal, educational, social) to influence the power brokers. European American executives need to avail themselves of expert studies and education resources to reshape and expand their thinking and alter misperceptions. And the courts and commissions relating to labor issues must intervene to eliminate this clear disparity with APAs and executive advancement. In this way, corporations will "do the right thing" as they productively invest in their key resource: their people.
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交友文化大革命
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